That morning thought that lasts

I can't help but do this.. I can't help but want to feel alive and awake. I don't want to be a zombie. A lost soul in the dark always craving for something more. I wonder why my life has ended in this way and why I have to continue living it. Im scare of myself you know? I'm scare of the people around me and where this life leads and honestly I think it is my fear that is keeping me alive. I crave for people I shouldn't. I crave for danger and safety and that's why I can't run to you. I can't go near you. If I do I will collapse. If I go near you, you win and then what? I'm left like a rotten rat on the dirty side street next to burned out ciggerates. I don't know what to do with myself. So ill keep on searching..searching for the meaning of my existence. In the meantime I choose to take care of those I can...and if that means staying very...very far apart from the people I love then so be it.