Confusion

i dont understand anything,,, its as tho a huge part of my life has disappeared in thin air....is that possible? is it possible for everything u once knew to be gone...and only in a matter of seconds?

why is it that when i see the name like "Leo" it hurts so much? my chest is burning and i dont know how to mend it or bring it at ease... its almost like i was knew this person nd they did something wrong.... could it be i was hurt by this person or that this person meant a lot to me? what do all these flashes mean?

i have been brought into the world to serve. to serve well for that is what i was taught. to serve others with kindness and respect...why would someone want to hurt me for that? could it be that the world i was brought in...is truly evil?

Beyonce Knowles - I Miss You

"I Miss You"

I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you... around

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that?

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

Love troubles

What do you do when the one you love the most does nothing but hurt you in the long run? What do you do when you cant figure out how to fix things and want nothing more than to be happy with that one special person? What can you possibly do when there is so much in the way but so little time that separates the both of you?

when you find this out...let me know cause im loosing my mind trying to keep my head up high.

Are things done for a reason?

It has been brought to my attention that there is a reason for why things happen and WHEN things happen. This is something that has taken me a while to understand and really accept. Many would think that the statement is pretty straight forward and not that hard to understand but when you apply it to real situations and have to face this statement with everything you have going on, it can bring you to a large state of frustration. So what does it mean? Why must things happen the way they do? Why do they happen after the tragedy has occurred or why does it happen later when you no longer need the event to happen? I can’t say for sure that I know the answers to those questions but I can surely say that perhaps things happen when they happen because at the time before the event we needed to learn something from it.

My father left me at the age of 4. I was very angry and confused as a child and focused my energy on the arts. My father came back at the age of 10 mainly because I then searched for him. Left again at the age of 14 and now has chosen to be a part of my life. I have grown up a lot since the age of 4 and had learned to do things on my own for a very long time. I still needed my father back then. I used to say if he wasn’t there from the start why I should give him a chance to be there at the end, but then I thought maybe I needed to see my father’s flaws before I could truly take in the man he is. I don’t know my father. I don’t know if I ever will but since I’ve grown up, I can now choose to view him in my own perspective without the influence of others.

"Attention" (Photography by Matthew Brady)

 Our lieutenant shot his pistol and everyone fell into a deep silence. “Boys, Get into your ranks! The time has come to fight.” We all fell into position leaving our tents and belongings aside, not knowing whether we would see such simple things again. A young soldier bumps his shoulder into me playfully and gives me a sad smile. Will we ever play cards together or retell our lives back home again? No one knows and it is that vast unknown that we slowly step into as we begin to march side by side.

My ears perk up to the sound of a low rumbling drum and I recognize the melody as one my mother used to hum when I was a boy. Suddenly, I wish I was back home helping my mother with the farm. My stomach feels sick and my eyes start to water but I keep moving forward because my pride is awfully to strong. I slowly straighten up and hold my head up high for I will give my all in this unpredictable war.

Humanity and its imperfections.

What does it mean to be human? To tell you the truth...I'm not a hundred percent sure. I guess its the state of mind that represents imperfection in the most vulnerable but knowledgeable way. There is no way to tell for sure if our mistakes are due to the fact that we are only human or whether its because we are not mentally grown enough to know the difference between right or wrong. Sometimes we don't even realize what it is we do but of course its because of our mistakes that we are able to grow and learn what to do the next time. I think its making sure we know what we are doing wrong that will help us not make our mistakes again and i think it makes it hard when no one lets you know if your doing something wrong or not enough so that you can understand things better (in a way that it could affect said person).

For the person who is in the receiving end i guess its important to be patient and understanding but most importantly to be assertive when the person is doing something wrong so that they can truly understand as to what they are doing wrong. If you do that than im sure you'll be able to work things out.

You must keep in mind that this may not work in every situation for every situation is different and there are many different personalities. Try to remain calm and try to think before acting. It will give you a better chance of doing the right thing.

What do you think?

The discussion of maturity has now branched out to the question of selfishness and restrictions.

You want to be with someone but you cant because you are literally restricted and are not to see said boy or girl. So you sneak around so you can see them and spend time with them while knowing that both of you could get in serious trouble. Now you dont care if you get in trouble because your dying to see and be with this person so you continue to sneak around and try to keep the relationship strong but it gets to the point where he is now making excuses why not to see you and you feel like he's pushing you away.

Now you dont see him often and people around you have their boy or girl and your missing your special someone a lot....like A LOT. But you can't do anything about it. It gets to the point where the both of you are fighting more often and there's a big gap that you two no longer talk to each other like you used to. There's only a cold breeze on both sides.

You try to fix things but this person doesnt want to until your both free to do as you please. Reasonable right? but your scared that your gunna lose this person and that they will continue being mad at you so you write them a letter trying to express how your feeling even though you dont know how to put it down on paper.

Bottom line is are you being selfish for wanting to badly to b with this person? Are you being selfish because in the end you are compromising his freedom? In a way I think yes....but I think it was an unintended selfishness.....What do you think?

Colors or Visible light?

There is no color. It's just chemicals that register in our eye that computes as colors. So in reality it's just visible light. Your actually hallucinating in a way and everything you knew is now surreal. Did I brain f*** you because I was definitely mind bubbled. Time for me to take a nap. ><

Never say "Never"

I am so frikkin tired of everything right now its not even funny. I dont want to hurt anymore and I dont want to love anymore. F*** relationships! I'll just leave it for the rest of the world.

Dont you hate it when you stay up at night and cant stop crying because your so consumed with hurt and guilt and just plain sh*t that it just becomes a habit that your constantly trying to hide from the rest of the world? Well I hate it. I hate how no matter what you do, nothing can keep your mind from going to the same thoughts and your constantly trying to stop yourself from sobbing so you can go to sleep or in my instance go back to sleep. It's an ugly pattern one that I thought I would never go through but I guess...you can never say never.

Trouble in Paradise

I really wonder about what it's like to have someone who could love ALL of you. You know what I'm talking about? Those people who say "oh yea i love you. I love you so much!" but than point out your flaws and are like " Your so childish. I cant be with someone like that." what happened to loving you with flaws? or working together to fix each other? Well it doesn't really matter when your mad. Hell no one wants to listen when they're mad. I would know since it cost me my man. People... communication is key. I know you've heard that a million times but really it is and it's annoying cuz you actually have to listen to the hard stuff too but in the end it's worth it...if I wasn't so mad, I might still be happy with my man. Well...i guess he's not much of my man now is he...

SO... piece of advice. When a guy or girl says it's ok to fool with other people. Don't. It's a trap. What they are really saying is I'm giving you a chance to prove that you love me and that you can be faithful. If you do, fool with other people that means I cant trust you and your fucked. Trust me, no one is the exception to this. I learned that the hard way. ><

The things that ignorant people say.

"Go Kill Yourself." I despise people who say shit like that. If anything I can understand that you may be mad or annoyed but that is just not something you say. There are so many people who get really hurt about hearing people tell them that, that they could really take their advice and go through with it. Be rational people and I know its cliche but treat people the way you want to be treated.

Crazy Reality

"Everyone wants what they want and want someone else to pay for it." This is true whether you realize it or not. Even I apply to this statement. Do I agree with it's reality? No, but thats just the way things are. Thats how our government works. It's how the economy works. It's how children work. Is there a way to change this? I dont know. But maybe we'll evolve to something better.

The groups we are born into.

Family...what is that? A group of people related by blood with difficulties that grow deeper than that. Are they resolvable? Sometimes, but if you look at today’s society it seems people give up a lot faster than you'd think. In this department I am quite knowledgeable with a 75%. I, for one, don’t have a so called "family." I have people I’ve known for much of my years but we have all separated into our own paths and have discommunicated ourselves leaving the idea of family behind. I’m still searching for a family. One I hope will fulfill that great loss but of course who do you trust when you can’t even trust yourself?

Chemistry- where all new relationships are questioned.

Welcome ladies and gents to the world of chemistry...I can’t take this guy seriously. Mr. Meyers. A tall, skinny nerd in a business suit. He reminds me of my sister, Kelly, and frankly that’s a bit disturbing considering my sister is much cooler and much more beautiful. But like anyone else my sister has quarks too.

Jace, an also very dorky talkative being, no resides in the stool beside me and even though he does in fact disturb my train of thought, he's actually not bad. Of course still being an acquaintance and I don’t trust this kid at all but I wonder what he’s like and what he wants. He's a gamer. Xbox 360 to be exact (which is good obvi). I wonder how intense he could be. He's an odd fellow…Still wondering why Jen would date him but maybe she’s a lot deeper than I thought. I wish that more people would be like that. To look beyond our skin and collection of beauty is what I wish people would do with me. Of course we have all sorts of people in the world. It's just trying to figure out who should you choose to treat. In this department I am sorry to say I have failed greatly with a 20% due to my own wishful thinking that people wouldn’t harm me if I don’t harm them. i am learning. Slowly. But no matter how much I may protect my heart there is always that one person who will break you apart due to your mistake.