Are you Nothing?

How do you respond to someone who keeps saying that they want nothing to do with you?
I have yet to understand how to truly respond to this and with as much accuracy but all I can say is that it hurts. I think it's supposed to hurt. That's the bad thing about words. Whenever you want to express yourself in the best way, you cant find the words to do it but when you want to say something hurtful there is always a word you can use.
Man I hate that. It's really cruel if you think about it.
"I want nothing to do with you"
I remember how I reacted to when my older brother said that. It felt like my whole world stopped and I couldn't hear anything after that. Those words kept replaying in my head like a virus...a sickening virus that infected my chest and brought tears to my eyes.
You see.. me and my brother once were really close. He was my father figure for a very long time and even though I knew he wasn't my dad I respected him as my elder and as the father I had wished I had. He's a really goofy type of guy. He could be very stern and strict one moment and the next he'd be cracking jokes and laughing with you as though you've known him your whole life. I knew him to be the sincere and accurate person he portrayed himself to be. i never thought of him to lie or to betray me in any way. He was my hero for a long time in my childhood. Actually... I was quite jealous of him. I felt that my mother loved him more or felt that he was the "perfect child." For the most part he was, in my mother's eyes I mean, and even now I have a person complex with that. It isn't my brother's fault though. I know that. I had only wish my mother saw us as equals...you know?
Well things had changed between me and my brother. I made a very important decision in my life and my brother flaked on me like the rest of my family. Honestly, I didnt think that he would. I mean I knew the others would or might have but my older brother? That didnt occur to me to be a possibility. My brother has always been idependent and trust me even that has it's flaws. My brother always held a huge respect towards mom.. but at the same time he seemed to always now what he wanted and knew how to get it. He was like my own personal Buddha. When I made my decision, I had only wanted some guidance. I was scared for crying out loud...but my brother was never there the way I thought he would. I guess in the end, you dont always know the people around you.
It's been a year now since I've made that decision. He is still very angry and upset with me. If I were the older sibling...I dont know that I would have done the same or whether I would have been so harsh...I know I would have been confused and scared and really worried but angry...I dont know. I'll never know and I'm not gunna rack my brain for the possibilities.
My brother has made his choice. I occassionally call him every few weeks or so. (I still hold tons of hope that he may want me back in his life, but like me he is very stubborn...) In the end, I have to make a choice myself. I just wish I didn't have to.

This Past Weekend

i did it again...i thought that with time i wouldnt have to or feel the need to do it. but i did... im feeling incredibly useless and powerless now...and you know whats the worst part? i liked it...i missed it... i wanted it more than anything. i mean..i tried so hard to avoid it... tried to distract my mind, tried focusing on others, i ran out of the house a couple times, i even took late night showers and baths and yet theres no way i can escape its calling...

it feels so good.. seeing it touch my skin...it smells amazing... its intoxicating... almost as intoxicating as my ex... heh.. its funny...he was my drug...i wanted him all the time... even when i hated some of the stuff he did or got upset with him or by him...i still wanted him...more than anything... now its lke this cold slim nd sharp thing has taken his place...in some twisted way...im happy it is. ive wanted to let him go for the longest time... and even though i still love him and crave him every second of the day...for the moment that my skin splits its like i dont feel that need...that want...that love.

ive experimented too.. no not drugs haha. but ive tried different parts of my body... its almost as delicious as my forearms but its like it brings more ecstacy to the moment. my sides are a bit scratched up....not as bad as my forearms but the second i felt it...the way it slid about my waistline...the icy shiver it brought to my chest....to be honest.. i moaned a little..

as i heard the echo of my moan...my memories started to flow back.. the happier ones to be exact... i was lying on my back... the love of my life was resting beside me and it was the middle of winter.. we had just finished playing and i was looking up at the stars; thanking each one for allowing me to feel that way.

just as quickly as that memory came it left... after a couple seconds i realized my tears were soaking my cheeks.. could i really be crying at a moment like this? have i gone insane? i just cut myself! i just pressed a knife into my skin! and im crying because i miss the one boy that made my world worth while? really?!

i sliced my skin in a couple more times, each time let my tears slow and brought me back to the present. my anger simmered down and i realized the water was mixed with a soft red. i stared at it for a bit... my mothers face appeared in front of me and i quickly held my nose and push my head back into the water. i stayed under for what seemed forever.

i felt calm... my hair felt soft against my cheeks and whiped around as i continuously pressed my head furthur and furthur into the bottom of the tub. i didnt want to breathe...i didnt want to take on the world... i liked being by myself...feeling like no one could touch me... like the water was infinite.. like the elements were watching over me... after awhile i needed oxygen... as annoying as it was i let my body rise up along with my head and it was over... it was all over for those few moments and i felt good...i felt like i could sleep again...i could finally sleep without the thought of him.

Blizzard damn blizzard...

It had been a Thursday that I had come back from school and let my bag fall to the side of my bed. My cat, Flame, was waiting with his head rested on my black, fluffy pillow. I tried my best to remove my clothing quickly and to put on my tank top and shorts. When I was done, I lay next to my cat, kissed him gently, and went to sleep to the sound of Flame’s purring.

It was approximately 6 or 7 in the afternoon when I had waked up from my nap. Flame was hovering over my face meowing at me. I assumed he was thirsty but I couldn’t quite get the energy to move my legs off the bed. I looked to the window and listened to a soft, muffled sound. It had dawned on me that my Foster Mother had notified me earlier in the week that there would be a storm coming. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to my biological family and one special one to the one I loved most.  Flame then reminded me of his needs and with a groan I got up and filled his bowl with fresh water and retired to my room.

My room at the time was dark and cold. The only light that I allowed to come in was of the window and the light that peered in from the living room that insisted on pushing is way through the crack below my door. As I’m looking around I realized I still had some boxes packed from moving to Bridgeport and I became overwhelmed with fatigue that I laid back and stared at the ceiling until sleep had invoked me once more.