Perks of a Wallflower

A must see! The Perks of a Wallflower. For anyone who wants to see something so real and touching. Go for it. Trust me you wont regret it.

Pink Rose

My room is a mess...the clutter is giving me a migrane but the only thing in this rom that keeps me sane...even if for a bit longer...is this one painting.
It is laying gently against my window, interupting the photos behind it. The sunlight shining through is making it's way onto my bed and pilows all the while making the photo even more brilliant.
The caption is of a pink rose with an orange center, purple blossoms beneath it and a lilypad holding the life upon it. I wish the photo were real... the desire to touch it is quite strong, but i wont because i would destroy it's peace.
Hard to believe such a beautiful thing came from my two hands...I have yet to understand why I chose to paint such a thing...but until I figure it out, I shall only enjoy the view.

This Past Weekend

i did it again...i thought that with time i wouldnt have to or feel the need to do it. but i did... im feeling incredibly useless and powerless now...and you know whats the worst part? i liked it...i missed it... i wanted it more than anything. i mean..i tried so hard to avoid it... tried to distract my mind, tried focusing on others, i ran out of the house a couple times, i even took late night showers and baths and yet theres no way i can escape its calling...

it feels so good.. seeing it touch my skin...it smells amazing... its intoxicating... almost as intoxicating as my ex... heh.. its funny...he was my drug...i wanted him all the time... even when i hated some of the stuff he did or got upset with him or by him...i still wanted him...more than anything... now its lke this cold slim nd sharp thing has taken his place...in some twisted way...im happy it is. ive wanted to let him go for the longest time... and even though i still love him and crave him every second of the day...for the moment that my skin splits its like i dont feel that need...that want...that love.

ive experimented too.. no not drugs haha. but ive tried different parts of my body... its almost as delicious as my forearms but its like it brings more ecstacy to the moment. my sides are a bit scratched up....not as bad as my forearms but the second i felt it...the way it slid about my waistline...the icy shiver it brought to my chest....to be honest.. i moaned a little..

as i heard the echo of my moan...my memories started to flow back.. the happier ones to be exact... i was lying on my back... the love of my life was resting beside me and it was the middle of winter.. we had just finished playing and i was looking up at the stars; thanking each one for allowing me to feel that way.

just as quickly as that memory came it left... after a couple seconds i realized my tears were soaking my cheeks.. could i really be crying at a moment like this? have i gone insane? i just cut myself! i just pressed a knife into my skin! and im crying because i miss the one boy that made my world worth while? really?!

i sliced my skin in a couple more times, each time let my tears slow and brought me back to the present. my anger simmered down and i realized the water was mixed with a soft red. i stared at it for a bit... my mothers face appeared in front of me and i quickly held my nose and push my head back into the water. i stayed under for what seemed forever.

i felt calm... my hair felt soft against my cheeks and whiped around as i continuously pressed my head furthur and furthur into the bottom of the tub. i didnt want to breathe...i didnt want to take on the world... i liked being by myself...feeling like no one could touch me... like the water was infinite.. like the elements were watching over me... after awhile i needed oxygen... as annoying as it was i let my body rise up along with my head and it was over... it was all over for those few moments and i felt good...i felt like i could sleep again...i could finally sleep without the thought of him.

Blizzard damn blizzard...

It had been a Thursday that I had come back from school and let my bag fall to the side of my bed. My cat, Flame, was waiting with his head rested on my black, fluffy pillow. I tried my best to remove my clothing quickly and to put on my tank top and shorts. When I was done, I lay next to my cat, kissed him gently, and went to sleep to the sound of Flame’s purring.

It was approximately 6 or 7 in the afternoon when I had waked up from my nap. Flame was hovering over my face meowing at me. I assumed he was thirsty but I couldn’t quite get the energy to move my legs off the bed. I looked to the window and listened to a soft, muffled sound. It had dawned on me that my Foster Mother had notified me earlier in the week that there would be a storm coming. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to my biological family and one special one to the one I loved most.  Flame then reminded me of his needs and with a groan I got up and filled his bowl with fresh water and retired to my room.

My room at the time was dark and cold. The only light that I allowed to come in was of the window and the light that peered in from the living room that insisted on pushing is way through the crack below my door. As I’m looking around I realized I still had some boxes packed from moving to Bridgeport and I became overwhelmed with fatigue that I laid back and stared at the ceiling until sleep had invoked me once more.