The Victim.

Thoughts...what are thoughts but mere suggestions in your mind.

So what if you keep them bottled inside?

They will only turn into a rhyme.
so use it on the next one
see if she will care for
a little mess on the floor
or maybe having her eyes stare at the bed board.
Yea. You might not have meant to
but u sure made me feel like a fool
for trusting someone like you
and now my body feels overused.
but that's alright isn't it?
as long as I pleased your body and shit.
if I stop that from happening to another.
maybe it was worth biting my tongue a little bit longer.
too bad I wasn't a little bit more faded.
cause now I got illusions when i sleep that don't seem to be ending
now ill give it a rest
you have failed my test
took advantage of the maiden
now she's looking for her heaven
while she wishes u the best
and hopes this doesn't repeat for the next.
Remember my words
they may just be chords.
but listen to the message
maybe you can salvage

the last of humanity

with the touch of sincerity and prosperity.

Cows....

 I really wish cows could actually look like this. I feel like we confuse children in a way...no we decieve them into thinking cows actually look this cute and when they see them in person it's like the world has brought us this horribly ugly black and white beast...deception....utter deception.

WARNING!! DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THE FOLLOWING PHOTO. THIS IS PART OF LIFE.  

Are you Nothing?

How do you respond to someone who keeps saying that they want nothing to do with you?
I have yet to understand how to truly respond to this and with as much accuracy but all I can say is that it hurts. I think it's supposed to hurt. That's the bad thing about words. Whenever you want to express yourself in the best way, you cant find the words to do it but when you want to say something hurtful there is always a word you can use.
Man I hate that. It's really cruel if you think about it.
"I want nothing to do with you"
I remember how I reacted to when my older brother said that. It felt like my whole world stopped and I couldn't hear anything after that. Those words kept replaying in my head like a virus...a sickening virus that infected my chest and brought tears to my eyes.
You see.. me and my brother once were really close. He was my father figure for a very long time and even though I knew he wasn't my dad I respected him as my elder and as the father I had wished I had. He's a really goofy type of guy. He could be very stern and strict one moment and the next he'd be cracking jokes and laughing with you as though you've known him your whole life. I knew him to be the sincere and accurate person he portrayed himself to be. i never thought of him to lie or to betray me in any way. He was my hero for a long time in my childhood. Actually... I was quite jealous of him. I felt that my mother loved him more or felt that he was the "perfect child." For the most part he was, in my mother's eyes I mean, and even now I have a person complex with that. It isn't my brother's fault though. I know that. I had only wish my mother saw us as equals...you know?
Well things had changed between me and my brother. I made a very important decision in my life and my brother flaked on me like the rest of my family. Honestly, I didnt think that he would. I mean I knew the others would or might have but my older brother? That didnt occur to me to be a possibility. My brother has always been idependent and trust me even that has it's flaws. My brother always held a huge respect towards mom.. but at the same time he seemed to always now what he wanted and knew how to get it. He was like my own personal Buddha. When I made my decision, I had only wanted some guidance. I was scared for crying out loud...but my brother was never there the way I thought he would. I guess in the end, you dont always know the people around you.
It's been a year now since I've made that decision. He is still very angry and upset with me. If I were the older sibling...I dont know that I would have done the same or whether I would have been so harsh...I know I would have been confused and scared and really worried but angry...I dont know. I'll never know and I'm not gunna rack my brain for the possibilities.
My brother has made his choice. I occassionally call him every few weeks or so. (I still hold tons of hope that he may want me back in his life, but like me he is very stubborn...) In the end, I have to make a choice myself. I just wish I didn't have to.

Nightcore - I Dont Wanna Die

Loving this version...and honestly its eeriness is driving my body insane. It send shivers down my back but maybe thats just my imagination going crazy or my own unsatisfied desires taking over.
PS: this is originally a Hollywood Undead song.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to

I look inside of myself, and try to find someone else.
Someone who's willing to die, just to watch you crying for help.
I know that blood will be spilled, and if you wont - then I will. My grave will never be filled, It's either kill or be killed. So let heaven be told, that some may come, some may go, where I'll end up, I don't know. But I ain't dying alone, I keep on asking the question, ''can I be saved by confession?'', you see this blood on my hands and there's no reach into heaven

I got to pick up the pieces, I got to bury them deep... And when you look in my eyes, I'll be the last thing you see,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die -So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her.

Hurt turned into blood, and the blood keeps on pouring, From every pour I wipe it up, this is just to be demoted.

Now someone started dying, my only opponent? 'Cause I wont watch my baby cry, So I keep on just going. Am I a man or a beast, or mother nature at least, watch humanity cease, Cause it's our human disease. You got to kill when you gotta kill, Yeah that's what they say. And I can't go against God's will, You better pray.

'Cause I'm an angel, a demon.
Yeah I'm hell and I'm heaven. I'm everything you couldn't be, now you believe in the devil.

I got to pick up the pieces, I got to bury them deep... And when the dirt hits the coffin - Just go to sleep.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die...

Now that I see You buried... Six feet below.

Another life, goes into the night. I couldn't let him breathe, 'Cause I didn't wanna die...

Now that I see You buried... Six feet below.

It's not alright... Can you hear me as I cry? I couldn't let you live, 'Cause I didn't wanna die...

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I Don't wanna die.
You didn't have to die.

Hollywood undead - Levitate

I'm dying a little each time he walks away but what's worse is that as much as I try to stray away from the knife, I know it will always be there to haunt me even in my sleep. I can't help myself and no can help me. It's something I must do on my own... I just wish I werent on it like a drug...

Maybe if life wasnt dealt the way it was for me, then things would be different...maybe I would be different. In a different place. A positive space. When everything is gone...will I only lave drops of blood behind?




"Levitate"

[J-Dog:]
Can't stop I need some help.
Fuck you, I'm by myself
Is it a truth or lie?
It's what you can't deny.
'Cause it's the way you think
Mix with the pills and drink
Brought back to the way you are
Float up 'til you're close to God
You know that hiding ain't gonna keep you safe
Because the tears on your face
They leak and leave a trace
So just when you think that true love's begun
It goes off at any second just like a loaded gun

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[J-3-T:]
Can't stop the feeling,
High as a ceiling
I got the money who's fuckin'dealin'
You feel the heat like a barrel of a gun
I forgot the last time I saw the sun
I've got this disease
It's digging deeper in me
It's like my mind is leaving,
But my heart keeps beating
So I'll paint the walls, red drip from the nose
But where it goes, nobody really knows
Hit the bottle and she's gonna to follow
I fall asleep there ain't no tomorrow
Gone too far, no one can save me
Who needs you when I've got my baby
My baby is beautiful she loves me true
But if she dies I hope I die too!

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[Charlie Scene:]
I put down another sack of them
Then it's straight back to the flask again
I can't help stop what's happening
On the wrong track, yeah, I'm back again
Up shit creek and I'm paddling
Blacked out room and I'm travelin'
Good ideas I'm lacking them
I'm too fucked up now I'm babbling
Wondering how to fix these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages
Wondering how to fix all of these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

This Past Weekend

i did it again...i thought that with time i wouldnt have to or feel the need to do it. but i did... im feeling incredibly useless and powerless now...and you know whats the worst part? i liked it...i missed it... i wanted it more than anything. i mean..i tried so hard to avoid it... tried to distract my mind, tried focusing on others, i ran out of the house a couple times, i even took late night showers and baths and yet theres no way i can escape its calling...

it feels so good.. seeing it touch my skin...it smells amazing... its intoxicating... almost as intoxicating as my ex... heh.. its funny...he was my drug...i wanted him all the time... even when i hated some of the stuff he did or got upset with him or by him...i still wanted him...more than anything... now its lke this cold slim nd sharp thing has taken his place...in some twisted way...im happy it is. ive wanted to let him go for the longest time... and even though i still love him and crave him every second of the day...for the moment that my skin splits its like i dont feel that need...that want...that love.

ive experimented too.. no not drugs haha. but ive tried different parts of my body... its almost as delicious as my forearms but its like it brings more ecstacy to the moment. my sides are a bit scratched up....not as bad as my forearms but the second i felt it...the way it slid about my waistline...the icy shiver it brought to my chest....to be honest.. i moaned a little..

as i heard the echo of my moan...my memories started to flow back.. the happier ones to be exact... i was lying on my back... the love of my life was resting beside me and it was the middle of winter.. we had just finished playing and i was looking up at the stars; thanking each one for allowing me to feel that way.

just as quickly as that memory came it left... after a couple seconds i realized my tears were soaking my cheeks.. could i really be crying at a moment like this? have i gone insane? i just cut myself! i just pressed a knife into my skin! and im crying because i miss the one boy that made my world worth while? really?!

i sliced my skin in a couple more times, each time let my tears slow and brought me back to the present. my anger simmered down and i realized the water was mixed with a soft red. i stared at it for a bit... my mothers face appeared in front of me and i quickly held my nose and push my head back into the water. i stayed under for what seemed forever.

i felt calm... my hair felt soft against my cheeks and whiped around as i continuously pressed my head furthur and furthur into the bottom of the tub. i didnt want to breathe...i didnt want to take on the world... i liked being by myself...feeling like no one could touch me... like the water was infinite.. like the elements were watching over me... after awhile i needed oxygen... as annoying as it was i let my body rise up along with my head and it was over... it was all over for those few moments and i felt good...i felt like i could sleep again...i could finally sleep without the thought of him.

Gobstopper thoughts.

It’s summer. The sun is shining brightly. The leaves turn different shades of green according to the clouds that float beneath the sun. The sounds of this quiet place…the rustling of someone on their bed in the other room, the lawnmowers cutting the sweet smell of grass, and the rushing of cars that had begun so early in the morning.

 My room is but a quiet place… my thoughts are like tiny dust particles whispering in my ear; begging me to pay attention to them. My window is like a camera, at any moment the picture could change, sometimes becoming more beautiful than the last. The breeze that comes into the vacancy of this miniature world is from the distant vent that I wish I could close…if only the breeze came from the locked window of longing.

It’s a dangerous place in here…this is where dreams, thoughts, wants, and need encircle each other causing one to become dizzy in their own reality. It becomes even lethal when having to stay in this room for six months. They call me a smart survivor…but inside I am hollow and the monster has made himself comfortable in the depths of my memory.

I may have won one battle but I have yet to conquer the toughest one yet.

Thoughts. Fucking Thoughts.

thoughts...what are thoughts but mere suggestions in your mind.

so what if you keep them bottled inside?

they will only turn into a rhyme.

so use it on the next one

see if she will care for

a little mess on the floor

or maybe having her eyes stare at the bed board.

yea.you might not have meant to

but u sure made me feel like a fool

for trusting someone like you

and now my body feels overused.

but thats alright isnt it?

as long as i pleased your body nd shit.

if i stop that from happening to another.

maybe it was worth biting my tongue a little bit longer.

too bad i wasnt a little bit more faded.

cuz now i got illusions when i sleep that dont seem to b endin

now ill give it a rest

you have failed my test

took advantage of the maiden

now she lookin for her heaven

while she wishes u the best

nd hopes this doesnt repeat for the next.

Remember my words

they may just be chords.

but listen to the message

maybe you can salvage

the last of humanity

with the touch of sincerety and prosperity.