Hollywood undead - Levitate

I'm dying a little each time he walks away but what's worse is that as much as I try to stray away from the knife, I know it will always be there to haunt me even in my sleep. I can't help myself and no can help me. It's something I must do on my own... I just wish I werent on it like a drug...

Maybe if life wasnt dealt the way it was for me, then things would be different...maybe I would be different. In a different place. A positive space. When everything is gone...will I only lave drops of blood behind?




"Levitate"

[J-Dog:]
Can't stop I need some help.
Fuck you, I'm by myself
Is it a truth or lie?
It's what you can't deny.
'Cause it's the way you think
Mix with the pills and drink
Brought back to the way you are
Float up 'til you're close to God
You know that hiding ain't gonna keep you safe
Because the tears on your face
They leak and leave a trace
So just when you think that true love's begun
It goes off at any second just like a loaded gun

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[J-3-T:]
Can't stop the feeling,
High as a ceiling
I got the money who's fuckin'dealin'
You feel the heat like a barrel of a gun
I forgot the last time I saw the sun
I've got this disease
It's digging deeper in me
It's like my mind is leaving,
But my heart keeps beating
So I'll paint the walls, red drip from the nose
But where it goes, nobody really knows
Hit the bottle and she's gonna to follow
I fall asleep there ain't no tomorrow
Gone too far, no one can save me
Who needs you when I've got my baby
My baby is beautiful she loves me true
But if she dies I hope I die too!

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[Charlie Scene:]
I put down another sack of them
Then it's straight back to the flask again
I can't help stop what's happening
On the wrong track, yeah, I'm back again
Up shit creek and I'm paddling
Blacked out room and I'm travelin'
Good ideas I'm lacking them
I'm too fucked up now I'm babbling
Wondering how to fix these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages
Wondering how to fix all of these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

This Past Weekend

i did it again...i thought that with time i wouldnt have to or feel the need to do it. but i did... im feeling incredibly useless and powerless now...and you know whats the worst part? i liked it...i missed it... i wanted it more than anything. i mean..i tried so hard to avoid it... tried to distract my mind, tried focusing on others, i ran out of the house a couple times, i even took late night showers and baths and yet theres no way i can escape its calling...

it feels so good.. seeing it touch my skin...it smells amazing... its intoxicating... almost as intoxicating as my ex... heh.. its funny...he was my drug...i wanted him all the time... even when i hated some of the stuff he did or got upset with him or by him...i still wanted him...more than anything... now its lke this cold slim nd sharp thing has taken his place...in some twisted way...im happy it is. ive wanted to let him go for the longest time... and even though i still love him and crave him every second of the day...for the moment that my skin splits its like i dont feel that need...that want...that love.

ive experimented too.. no not drugs haha. but ive tried different parts of my body... its almost as delicious as my forearms but its like it brings more ecstacy to the moment. my sides are a bit scratched up....not as bad as my forearms but the second i felt it...the way it slid about my waistline...the icy shiver it brought to my chest....to be honest.. i moaned a little..

as i heard the echo of my moan...my memories started to flow back.. the happier ones to be exact... i was lying on my back... the love of my life was resting beside me and it was the middle of winter.. we had just finished playing and i was looking up at the stars; thanking each one for allowing me to feel that way.

just as quickly as that memory came it left... after a couple seconds i realized my tears were soaking my cheeks.. could i really be crying at a moment like this? have i gone insane? i just cut myself! i just pressed a knife into my skin! and im crying because i miss the one boy that made my world worth while? really?!

i sliced my skin in a couple more times, each time let my tears slow and brought me back to the present. my anger simmered down and i realized the water was mixed with a soft red. i stared at it for a bit... my mothers face appeared in front of me and i quickly held my nose and push my head back into the water. i stayed under for what seemed forever.

i felt calm... my hair felt soft against my cheeks and whiped around as i continuously pressed my head furthur and furthur into the bottom of the tub. i didnt want to breathe...i didnt want to take on the world... i liked being by myself...feeling like no one could touch me... like the water was infinite.. like the elements were watching over me... after awhile i needed oxygen... as annoying as it was i let my body rise up along with my head and it was over... it was all over for those few moments and i felt good...i felt like i could sleep again...i could finally sleep without the thought of him.

Gobstopper thoughts.

It’s summer. The sun is shining brightly. The leaves turn different shades of green according to the clouds that float beneath the sun. The sounds of this quiet place…the rustling of someone on their bed in the other room, the lawnmowers cutting the sweet smell of grass, and the rushing of cars that had begun so early in the morning.

 My room is but a quiet place… my thoughts are like tiny dust particles whispering in my ear; begging me to pay attention to them. My window is like a camera, at any moment the picture could change, sometimes becoming more beautiful than the last. The breeze that comes into the vacancy of this miniature world is from the distant vent that I wish I could close…if only the breeze came from the locked window of longing.

It’s a dangerous place in here…this is where dreams, thoughts, wants, and need encircle each other causing one to become dizzy in their own reality. It becomes even lethal when having to stay in this room for six months. They call me a smart survivor…but inside I am hollow and the monster has made himself comfortable in the depths of my memory.

I may have won one battle but I have yet to conquer the toughest one yet.

Mumford and Sons

When I first heard this song I didn't want to listen. I'm not really a country type listener and I honestly thought it was about some hill billy shit I would honestly ignore. But if you listen to the lyrics and give it a shot, I garantee you would like them and want to listen to more :)

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Linkin Park ~ Runaway

Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

i'm gonna run away and never say goodbye
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and never wonder why
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and open up my mind
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind

Blizzard damn blizzard...

It had been a Thursday that I had come back from school and let my bag fall to the side of my bed. My cat, Flame, was waiting with his head rested on my black, fluffy pillow. I tried my best to remove my clothing quickly and to put on my tank top and shorts. When I was done, I lay next to my cat, kissed him gently, and went to sleep to the sound of Flame’s purring.

It was approximately 6 or 7 in the afternoon when I had waked up from my nap. Flame was hovering over my face meowing at me. I assumed he was thirsty but I couldn’t quite get the energy to move my legs off the bed. I looked to the window and listened to a soft, muffled sound. It had dawned on me that my Foster Mother had notified me earlier in the week that there would be a storm coming. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to my biological family and one special one to the one I loved most.  Flame then reminded me of his needs and with a groan I got up and filled his bowl with fresh water and retired to my room.

My room at the time was dark and cold. The only light that I allowed to come in was of the window and the light that peered in from the living room that insisted on pushing is way through the crack below my door. As I’m looking around I realized I still had some boxes packed from moving to Bridgeport and I became overwhelmed with fatigue that I laid back and stared at the ceiling until sleep had invoked me once more.

True Happiness: Does it even exist?

I happen to find that happiness is an illusion created by society to define right and wrong. We call our proud or successful moments happiness to define how positive it is so that its opposite can be determined as wrong or destructive.  I think that there are many misconceptions as to what true happiness is. Whether it is having control over your life or whether it’s having the latest stuff or having nothing at all but love and affection, as human beings we haven’t put a true definition to it. Why does everyone obsess over something they don’t truly know or can’t achieve? I’m sure there are different levels of happiness for every individual but what is the ultimate happiness? Does that happiness even exist? Do we need more of what we already have or what others have to be truly happy? I, honestly, don’t believe in happiness and no I’m not a pessimist. I just believe in satisfaction to the eye and satisfaction to our human nature of current or future moments, perhaps even past moments. If we did not have pain or suffering we would not have created this illusion of happiness. It is almost a cycle if you think about it. We are happy or satisfied one moment and the next we are crying and upset because something went wrong. When the moment passes where we are upset into something more positive, then we become happy until the next time of deception.

I say that happiness is an illusion created by our society because in a different world happiness could be the source of let’s say evil and what is pain in our world could be the actual happiness in said other world. I think society itself is trying to make sense of the word It created. We use religion or superstition and even economical charts to try to express what happiness could be and as a society we have created a common denominator: Happiness is when we are at our prime. Happiness is when we are at our most calm and collected nature and have a smile on our face that proves we have everything we could ever need or want. Only then are we truly happy. But when are we at our prime? When are we truly calm and satisfied? And if we have everything we want or need, what happens when it is taken away or gone? Would we ever be happy again?  

Perhaps or perhaps not but what does it matter? Happiness is an illusion and if it is a thought that was planted into our head then could it be that it simply is that? A thought injected like a virus. One that we are commonly attracted to but are unsure how to cure. So we live to find our fix of happiness. We fight to find what doesn’t exist because we are told it is the best because we are told it is what we need to achieve in this life.