I remembered what you did not.

Time is passing by and people, including my love, no longer are there. I miss the past, I miss what we said would last but nothing does in reality...does it?

All because you forgot.

Caged Wolf.

Beauty is what surrounds me but maybe it is the beauty that makes it so wrong...?
It is incomplete...utterly incomplete. Most of the flowers have bloomed and some have died. Fireflies are everywhere constantly flying, constantly searching. Up above the leaves change colors influencing my mood...

What is this feeling? This longing for something more? Why must I not enjoy what I have? Does this make me human or selfish?

No...this makes me jealous. The flowers bloom without a care in the world, the fireflies fly where they please, and the leaves switch colors without anyone judging them for they are still beautiful.

Because I am human...because of society...because of history... I am caged. I am that animal being teased at the zoo...I am that goldfish stuck in a tank. Iam that child in Africa starving for food but with no way of getting it. Iam the world...stuck in ignorance of what has, is, and will happen.

Pink Rose

My room is a mess...the clutter is giving me a migrane but the only thing in this rom that keeps me sane...even if for a bit longer...is this one painting.
It is laying gently against my window, interupting the photos behind it. The sunlight shining through is making it's way onto my bed and pilows all the while making the photo even more brilliant.
The caption is of a pink rose with an orange center, purple blossoms beneath it and a lilypad holding the life upon it. I wish the photo were real... the desire to touch it is quite strong, but i wont because i would destroy it's peace.
Hard to believe such a beautiful thing came from my two hands...I have yet to understand why I chose to paint such a thing...but until I figure it out, I shall only enjoy the view.

Why make love so complicated?

I wonder why people make love so complicated. I do it too...sometimes but I don't understand why we do it in the first place. I feel like some people make it look like rocket science but at the same time if it wasn't as hard to understand then maybe we wouldn't find much of an interest for it...right? It sure is annoying though.
In love, I was always told or at least I always thought that people were supposed to respect each other and value each other's needs and wants. I thought that love was something you shared with that one special someone and it's when you risk even showing them your flaws and having that other person accept your flaws and caring for you regardless.

Lately...people have been proving that it isn't always like that.

Are you Nothing?

How do you respond to someone who keeps saying that they want nothing to do with you?
I have yet to understand how to truly respond to this and with as much accuracy but all I can say is that it hurts. I think it's supposed to hurt. That's the bad thing about words. Whenever you want to express yourself in the best way, you cant find the words to do it but when you want to say something hurtful there is always a word you can use.
Man I hate that. It's really cruel if you think about it.
"I want nothing to do with you"
I remember how I reacted to when my older brother said that. It felt like my whole world stopped and I couldn't hear anything after that. Those words kept replaying in my head like a virus...a sickening virus that infected my chest and brought tears to my eyes.
You see.. me and my brother once were really close. He was my father figure for a very long time and even though I knew he wasn't my dad I respected him as my elder and as the father I had wished I had. He's a really goofy type of guy. He could be very stern and strict one moment and the next he'd be cracking jokes and laughing with you as though you've known him your whole life. I knew him to be the sincere and accurate person he portrayed himself to be. i never thought of him to lie or to betray me in any way. He was my hero for a long time in my childhood. Actually... I was quite jealous of him. I felt that my mother loved him more or felt that he was the "perfect child." For the most part he was, in my mother's eyes I mean, and even now I have a person complex with that. It isn't my brother's fault though. I know that. I had only wish my mother saw us as equals...you know?
Well things had changed between me and my brother. I made a very important decision in my life and my brother flaked on me like the rest of my family. Honestly, I didnt think that he would. I mean I knew the others would or might have but my older brother? That didnt occur to me to be a possibility. My brother has always been idependent and trust me even that has it's flaws. My brother always held a huge respect towards mom.. but at the same time he seemed to always now what he wanted and knew how to get it. He was like my own personal Buddha. When I made my decision, I had only wanted some guidance. I was scared for crying out loud...but my brother was never there the way I thought he would. I guess in the end, you dont always know the people around you.
It's been a year now since I've made that decision. He is still very angry and upset with me. If I were the older sibling...I dont know that I would have done the same or whether I would have been so harsh...I know I would have been confused and scared and really worried but angry...I dont know. I'll never know and I'm not gunna rack my brain for the possibilities.
My brother has made his choice. I occassionally call him every few weeks or so. (I still hold tons of hope that he may want me back in his life, but like me he is very stubborn...) In the end, I have to make a choice myself. I just wish I didn't have to.

Nightcore - I Dont Wanna Die

Loving this version...and honestly its eeriness is driving my body insane. It send shivers down my back but maybe thats just my imagination going crazy or my own unsatisfied desires taking over.
PS: this is originally a Hollywood Undead song.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to

I look inside of myself, and try to find someone else.
Someone who's willing to die, just to watch you crying for help.
I know that blood will be spilled, and if you wont - then I will. My grave will never be filled, It's either kill or be killed. So let heaven be told, that some may come, some may go, where I'll end up, I don't know. But I ain't dying alone, I keep on asking the question, ''can I be saved by confession?'', you see this blood on my hands and there's no reach into heaven

I got to pick up the pieces, I got to bury them deep... And when you look in my eyes, I'll be the last thing you see,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die -So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her.

Hurt turned into blood, and the blood keeps on pouring, From every pour I wipe it up, this is just to be demoted.

Now someone started dying, my only opponent? 'Cause I wont watch my baby cry, So I keep on just going. Am I a man or a beast, or mother nature at least, watch humanity cease, Cause it's our human disease. You got to kill when you gotta kill, Yeah that's what they say. And I can't go against God's will, You better pray.

'Cause I'm an angel, a demon.
Yeah I'm hell and I'm heaven. I'm everything you couldn't be, now you believe in the devil.

I got to pick up the pieces, I got to bury them deep... And when the dirt hits the coffin - Just go to sleep.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die...

Now that I see You buried... Six feet below.

Another life, goes into the night. I couldn't let him breathe, 'Cause I didn't wanna die...

Now that I see You buried... Six feet below.

It's not alright... Can you hear me as I cry? I couldn't let you live, 'Cause I didn't wanna die...

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I Don't wanna die.
You didn't have to die.

Hollywood undead - Levitate

I'm dying a little each time he walks away but what's worse is that as much as I try to stray away from the knife, I know it will always be there to haunt me even in my sleep. I can't help myself and no can help me. It's something I must do on my own... I just wish I werent on it like a drug...

Maybe if life wasnt dealt the way it was for me, then things would be different...maybe I would be different. In a different place. A positive space. When everything is gone...will I only lave drops of blood behind?




"Levitate"

[J-Dog:]
Can't stop I need some help.
Fuck you, I'm by myself
Is it a truth or lie?
It's what you can't deny.
'Cause it's the way you think
Mix with the pills and drink
Brought back to the way you are
Float up 'til you're close to God
You know that hiding ain't gonna keep you safe
Because the tears on your face
They leak and leave a trace
So just when you think that true love's begun
It goes off at any second just like a loaded gun

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[J-3-T:]
Can't stop the feeling,
High as a ceiling
I got the money who's fuckin'dealin'
You feel the heat like a barrel of a gun
I forgot the last time I saw the sun
I've got this disease
It's digging deeper in me
It's like my mind is leaving,
But my heart keeps beating
So I'll paint the walls, red drip from the nose
But where it goes, nobody really knows
Hit the bottle and she's gonna to follow
I fall asleep there ain't no tomorrow
Gone too far, no one can save me
Who needs you when I've got my baby
My baby is beautiful she loves me true
But if she dies I hope I die too!

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[Charlie Scene:]
I put down another sack of them
Then it's straight back to the flask again
I can't help stop what's happening
On the wrong track, yeah, I'm back again
Up shit creek and I'm paddling
Blacked out room and I'm travelin'
Good ideas I'm lacking them
I'm too fucked up now I'm babbling
Wondering how to fix these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages
Wondering how to fix all of these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)