That morning thought that lasts

I can't help but do this.. I can't help but want to feel alive and awake. I don't want to be a zombie. A lost soul in the dark always craving for something more. I wonder why my life has ended in this way and why I have to continue living it. Im scare of myself you know? I'm scare of the people around me and where this life leads and honestly I think it is my fear that is keeping me alive. I crave for people I shouldn't. I crave for danger and safety and that's why I can't run to you. I can't go near you. If I do I will collapse. If I go near you, you win and then what? I'm left like a rotten rat on the dirty side street next to burned out ciggerates. I don't know what to do with myself. So ill keep on searching..searching for the meaning of my existence. In the meantime I choose to take care of those I can...and if that means staying very...very far apart from the people I love then so be it.

Attention Readers/Bloggers!

ATTENTION TO EVERYONE READING THIS BLOG!!

I have had an incredibly long writers block so if you guys have any suggestions or want me to touch upon any subjects please comment below or if you wish it to be anonymous you can always email me at shivertk@gmail.com

I also will be creating a new blog soon. It will be coming out around summer time so stay tuned :)

Thank you!!

~Takara K.

Cute Central.

Decisions, Decisions.

I’m confused by what I want... is it possible that my demonic heart wants Jacob? Is it possible that it might want Kenji? What is it that makes me so attached to Kenji anyway? Is it because of all the shit we've been through? Or is it because he is the only thing that happens to be constant in my life... he is still my brother and I love him...I really do. I just don’t know if I can love him at this point. Jacob makes me feel good about myself. My dad seems to like him ok too. I really don’t know what to do... I just want to be loved and give love...that’s not wrong is it?

Aquamarine throwback.

So if you haven't seen this movie...just wow...but there is a scene where the main character, who also happens to be a mermaid, talks about her nails. Random perhaps, but it got me thinking about how awesome it would be if we all had that. You see, her nails change color naturally according to her mood. Much like those mood rings you'd find at a carnival or festival. Let's say you are happy and your nails turn purple...or how about when you are angry it turns into an auburn color. I guess in a way nail salons would be out of business...oops..

Cows....

 I really wish cows could actually look like this. I feel like we confuse children in a way...no we decieve them into thinking cows actually look this cute and when they see them in person it's like the world has brought us this horribly ugly black and white beast...deception....utter deception.

WARNING!! DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THE FOLLOWING PHOTO. THIS IS PART OF LIFE.  

Into your arms - The Maine

There is nothing more beautiful then laying in the arms of someone who truly cares about you. I am not talking about them caring about your beauty and whether you’re crying or not. I’m talking about those moments that they randomly hug you or pull you close just because. I’m talking about those moments when they don’t want you to let go. You know, those moments when they breathe in your scent and kiss your neck gently while you drift into a deep sleep. I’m talking about those moments when you wake up in the arms of the one you love and realize you would rather stay there then go anywhere else.  If you have this, cherish it. Don’t let go of it. Don’t run from it. Simply smile, whisper a thank you, and fall back to sleep in his or her arms.

Perks of a Wallflower

A must see! The Perks of a Wallflower. For anyone who wants to see something so real and touching. Go for it. Trust me you wont regret it.

Wording...

This picture honestly made me speechless for a moment. It has got to be one of the most stupidest things I've ever read but it's so completely true that I cant even shut it down completely. I think its really interesting how you can say two things with one sentence...Makes me wanna try to do that in the future. Or maybe I've already done it before just never noticed.

In a way it's like people say one thing but do the other. I've noticed that the people around me are quite famous for doing so. I'm used to it though and I dont know how I feel about that. I know it's bad or rather unfavorable, but it happens so what can I do about it? Maybe there isn't anything to do about it...maybe I just have to sit back and watch.

Late reminiscence

Late reminiscence

I was running in circles

Around the thought of what

What could have been us?

Maybe I’m just a lost puppy

A puppy trying to catch its tail

But the thought just lingers.

Maybe we are but a mystery that will never behold

What is such a thing as love?

I can’t find my way to the end of this delusion

It’s running away from me.

 I can’t help but chase it

But it continues to disappear in this forest

 The mist is growing thicker and I can’t find where I’ve come from either

So I’m lost again.

Your signals always failing to give me a direction

They’re feeding into my insecurities. It’s like an infection.

Why are you doing this?

I have given you my all.

You left me to fall.

This love is driving me insane

 Resorting to pain

The snow is falling now

Covering what you left behind

I can’t try to keep digging

But I don’t know what I’ll find.

So what now?

Should we fester in the sun?

Make our hearts run?

Drown on what we thought could be?

Perhaps, that‘s what you wanted all along, but I’m choosing to flee.

I believe I can fly

So im at this club that promotes our art. Its fun. I havent really attended all of them which i regret to say but I'm here now and we are planning for this event that i have yet to figure out when its going to happen.
Our leader or captin however you wish to say it is speaking letting us know what is going to happen regarding content.
One show is April 4th. The other one is today after school. Im kinda nervous about this all. Im not quite sure why but something doesnt feel right.
We have this kid who can Dj. His name is Jacob. I call him Mcdonalds just to mess with him. He's a cool dude.
Brandon is here. He is awfully adorable but he's really quiet right now. I call him black locks.
Celina is a cool girl. We like a lot of the same things and shes really pretty. She blogs too though she blogs on tumblr. Ill post her blog on here for you guys to check it out later.
Marcel is here. Hes just loud and dorky. He's talking to this other kid that i dont know but by the way they are huddled around they are probably talking bout porn or girls. Haha! I just got confirmed of my suspicions.
We also got Kenneth. This dude is always getting high. He's the type that will constantly skip class or come to class just to sleep. But hes chill...most of the time.
Well it looks like it is my turn to bring my work to the table.
Talk to you guys later. <3

Crushes

I hate it when people your not interested in ask you out and then things go mad awkward.

That endless song

Have you ever had that moment when that one embaressing song is stuck to your brain like a virus? It sucks cause you want to so badly think about something else or remember something but this one song just constantly plays in the background. Perhaps its because i normally have a problem on focusing on one thing. But when i do try to focus on ome thing it normally results on me singing that one song. I honestly dont know how to appease this desire to be aware of this song. Yesterday the song I kept replaying in my head was As Long As You Love Me by Justin Bieber. Now im not onsessed with Justin Bieber the way my little sister is but I do believe this is a gokd song and has a very catchy tune to it. That all good and even great right? But when you have a little obsessed Belieber, you tend to stray away from what you once liked. Now its been at least 14 hours later and i am still replaying that song in the blood flow of my existance. I think it frustrates me even more because my ex had dedicated it to me once upon a time and i still love him dearly. I guess im just trying to move on in my own little ways but how can one move on when the damn song keeps playing and playing on an endless cycle. Yup. At this moment I really wish I could press stop on this record.

Can you say YUM?

We Heart It

Don't be afraid to follow me on We Heart It!

http://weheartit.com/kara_kurosaki_1

Is it you?

I try to make room for everyone. Give everyone time to express themselves no matter how insane it may sound to my own ears. I try to be supportive and help people find peace in that one moment of quiet and i try to love that person with all i have left. I try all these things but who has tried for me?

Hurricane by 30 Second to Mars

Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars Lyrics:

 

No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe No matter how many nights that you'd lie wide awake to the sound of the pulsing rain Where did you go Where did you go Where did you go
As the days go by the night's on fire
Tell me would you kill to save a life Tell me would you kill to prove you're right Crash crash Burn let it all burn This hurricane's chasing us all underground
No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget No matter how many lies I live I will never regret There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames Where is your God Where is your God Where is your God
Do you really want Do you really want me Do you really want me dead or alive To torture for my sins Do you really want Do you really want me Do you really want me dead or alive To live a lie [ From: Tell me would you kill to save a life Tell me would you kill to prove you're right Crash crash Burn let it all burn This hurricane's chasing us all underground
The promises we made were not enough The prayers that we had prayed were like a drug The secrets that we sold were never known The love we had the love we had We had to let it go
Tell me would you kill to save a life Tell me would you kill to prove you're right Crash crash Burn let it all burn This hurricane's chasing us all underground
This hurricane This hurricane This hurricane
Do you really want Do you really want me Do you really want me dead or alive To torture for my sins Do you really want Do you really want me Do you really want me dead or alive To live a lie

Enough said.

Wolf to the core

So I went on this website just to fool around and see what they said and strangly enough they are right. I've always been told that I personally act like a dog or wolf so it didn't really surprise me to get it told to me by this site. you guys should try it. Find you spirit animal :) Link below:

http://www.jerismithready.com/quiz/

Discover your Spirit Animal!

You are a Wolf! (your score: 28)

Characters: Marek, Alanka, Kerza, and Kara in the Aspect of Crow trilogy and "Storm Reaper"; Lance in "The Wild's Call"
Powers: Stealth, hunting ability, enhanced senses of smell and hearing, as well as strength and stamina
"Family comes first" could be a Wolf's motto. You form deep connections with close friends and family members, and they know you'd do anything to protect them. You're loyal, devoted, and passionate. Your worst fear is being alone, but be careful not to drown your loved ones in too much emotion.
Best matches: Swans, Otters, Crows
Watch out for: Spiders, Owls, Foxes

Hot Teachers

That ment when you walk into one of your average classes and find a beautiful substitute. Honestly, I could be in this classroom forever if he let me. Hell, someone call for a lock down >w<
.......................

Omg<3<3 He just bumped into me! His voice is like scratchy in a way where it sounds like he is getting over a cold. Hair is short and brown; shaped in a Puerto Rican style. But ladies, he indeed is NOT Puerto Rican. He is Albenian. His eyes are hazel and his skin is about two shades lighter than mine in a milky vanilla bean with a touch of caramel. (I want ice cream now ><). His ears are pierced with diamond studs. His face is shaven well but he has a bad habit of bitting his nails. Like really bad. He has broad shoulders and has an amazing round butt.
He is approximately 26? Ugh if only he were younger. 26 is unfortunately over my limit. :(

Attention Girls!

Girls can be so damn fiesty. Sometimes I consider this sexy, but other time like now its gotta be the most annoying thing ever. So if you read my past posts you'll realize my love life sucks to the core. Well let's just say it ain't changing anytime soon. Girl after girl be trying to control my man and get him in their pants and it's like dayum girl you thirsty and fo' what? You know he taken. So back off my man dammit.

Ok i'm sorry guys... My ghetto side came out a bit. I guess i'm just annoyed cause no respects the point of relationships and people who do are barely there in quantity. I just wanna be happy, but how can I be happy if people dont let you be with the one you love?

Damn jealousy is another thing I've had to deal with while being with his guy. The sad part is that it's not even us being jealous. It's the people around us. Drama, drama, DRAMA! I hate it with such a strong passion, it's just a huge frustration and headache that i dont wanna deal with.

Boundaries ladies. Learn them. Live them. Don't ignore them.

Luck

Luck. Something I so desperately need. We all need it...dont we...Perhaps there is someone out there who needs it more than I do. In fact, I know there is someone who needs it more...but that doesn't mean that I don't still wish for it. My love is just exist away, but his memories are countries away. Maybe luck will bring us closer and those memories that had been washed away could return once more.
Goddess only knows and I can only hope.

Benjamin Stone

Over the weekend, I spent my hours watching shows that I haven't watched since...what seems to be about a year ago. Either way, I came across one of my celeb crushes that I had so regrettably forgotten about. Benjamin Stone. One of the most hottest english men I have ever came across. I mean seriously ladies, have you heard his gorgeous accent? Anywhooooo....He was starring in The Nine Life of Chloe King. I really hope that show comes back with another season cause i'm dying to see him on screen again. So because he is just absolutely sexy, I thought i'd share his sexiness with you guys :3

I remembered what you did not.

Time is passing by and people, including my love, no longer are there. I miss the past, I miss what we said would last but nothing does in reality...does it?

All because you forgot.

Caged Wolf.

Beauty is what surrounds me but maybe it is the beauty that makes it so wrong...?
It is incomplete...utterly incomplete. Most of the flowers have bloomed and some have died. Fireflies are everywhere constantly flying, constantly searching. Up above the leaves change colors influencing my mood...

What is this feeling? This longing for something more? Why must I not enjoy what I have? Does this make me human or selfish?

No...this makes me jealous. The flowers bloom without a care in the world, the fireflies fly where they please, and the leaves switch colors without anyone judging them for they are still beautiful.

Because I am human...because of society...because of history... I am caged. I am that animal being teased at the zoo...I am that goldfish stuck in a tank. Iam that child in Africa starving for food but with no way of getting it. Iam the world...stuck in ignorance of what has, is, and will happen.

Pink Rose

My room is a mess...the clutter is giving me a migrane but the only thing in this rom that keeps me sane...even if for a bit longer...is this one painting.
It is laying gently against my window, interupting the photos behind it. The sunlight shining through is making it's way onto my bed and pilows all the while making the photo even more brilliant.
The caption is of a pink rose with an orange center, purple blossoms beneath it and a lilypad holding the life upon it. I wish the photo were real... the desire to touch it is quite strong, but i wont because i would destroy it's peace.
Hard to believe such a beautiful thing came from my two hands...I have yet to understand why I chose to paint such a thing...but until I figure it out, I shall only enjoy the view.

Why make love so complicated?

I wonder why people make love so complicated. I do it too...sometimes but I don't understand why we do it in the first place. I feel like some people make it look like rocket science but at the same time if it wasn't as hard to understand then maybe we wouldn't find much of an interest for it...right? It sure is annoying though.
In love, I was always told or at least I always thought that people were supposed to respect each other and value each other's needs and wants. I thought that love was something you shared with that one special someone and it's when you risk even showing them your flaws and having that other person accept your flaws and caring for you regardless.

Lately...people have been proving that it isn't always like that.

Are you Nothing?

How do you respond to someone who keeps saying that they want nothing to do with you?
I have yet to understand how to truly respond to this and with as much accuracy but all I can say is that it hurts. I think it's supposed to hurt. That's the bad thing about words. Whenever you want to express yourself in the best way, you cant find the words to do it but when you want to say something hurtful there is always a word you can use.
Man I hate that. It's really cruel if you think about it.
"I want nothing to do with you"
I remember how I reacted to when my older brother said that. It felt like my whole world stopped and I couldn't hear anything after that. Those words kept replaying in my head like a virus...a sickening virus that infected my chest and brought tears to my eyes.
You see.. me and my brother once were really close. He was my father figure for a very long time and even though I knew he wasn't my dad I respected him as my elder and as the father I had wished I had. He's a really goofy type of guy. He could be very stern and strict one moment and the next he'd be cracking jokes and laughing with you as though you've known him your whole life. I knew him to be the sincere and accurate person he portrayed himself to be. i never thought of him to lie or to betray me in any way. He was my hero for a long time in my childhood. Actually... I was quite jealous of him. I felt that my mother loved him more or felt that he was the "perfect child." For the most part he was, in my mother's eyes I mean, and even now I have a person complex with that. It isn't my brother's fault though. I know that. I had only wish my mother saw us as equals...you know?
Well things had changed between me and my brother. I made a very important decision in my life and my brother flaked on me like the rest of my family. Honestly, I didnt think that he would. I mean I knew the others would or might have but my older brother? That didnt occur to me to be a possibility. My brother has always been idependent and trust me even that has it's flaws. My brother always held a huge respect towards mom.. but at the same time he seemed to always now what he wanted and knew how to get it. He was like my own personal Buddha. When I made my decision, I had only wanted some guidance. I was scared for crying out loud...but my brother was never there the way I thought he would. I guess in the end, you dont always know the people around you.
It's been a year now since I've made that decision. He is still very angry and upset with me. If I were the older sibling...I dont know that I would have done the same or whether I would have been so harsh...I know I would have been confused and scared and really worried but angry...I dont know. I'll never know and I'm not gunna rack my brain for the possibilities.
My brother has made his choice. I occassionally call him every few weeks or so. (I still hold tons of hope that he may want me back in his life, but like me he is very stubborn...) In the end, I have to make a choice myself. I just wish I didn't have to.

Nightcore - I Dont Wanna Die

Loving this version...and honestly its eeriness is driving my body insane. It send shivers down my back but maybe thats just my imagination going crazy or my own unsatisfied desires taking over.
PS: this is originally a Hollywood Undead song.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to

I look inside of myself, and try to find someone else.
Someone who's willing to die, just to watch you crying for help.
I know that blood will be spilled, and if you wont - then I will. My grave will never be filled, It's either kill or be killed. So let heaven be told, that some may come, some may go, where I'll end up, I don't know. But I ain't dying alone, I keep on asking the question, ''can I be saved by confession?'', you see this blood on my hands and there's no reach into heaven

I got to pick up the pieces, I got to bury them deep... And when you look in my eyes, I'll be the last thing you see,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die -So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her.

Hurt turned into blood, and the blood keeps on pouring, From every pour I wipe it up, this is just to be demoted.

Now someone started dying, my only opponent? 'Cause I wont watch my baby cry, So I keep on just going. Am I a man or a beast, or mother nature at least, watch humanity cease, Cause it's our human disease. You got to kill when you gotta kill, Yeah that's what they say. And I can't go against God's will, You better pray.

'Cause I'm an angel, a demon.
Yeah I'm hell and I'm heaven. I'm everything you couldn't be, now you believe in the devil.

I got to pick up the pieces, I got to bury them deep... And when the dirt hits the coffin - Just go to sleep.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

Blood is getter hotter
Body's getting colder...

I've told you once,
I'm the only one who holds her,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die...

Now that I see You buried... Six feet below.

Another life, goes into the night. I couldn't let him breathe, 'Cause I didn't wanna die...

Now that I see You buried... Six feet below.

It's not alright... Can you hear me as I cry? I couldn't let you live, 'Cause I didn't wanna die...

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna die,
No I don't wanna die - So you're gonna have to.

I Don't wanna die.
You didn't have to die.

Hollywood undead - Levitate

I'm dying a little each time he walks away but what's worse is that as much as I try to stray away from the knife, I know it will always be there to haunt me even in my sleep. I can't help myself and no can help me. It's something I must do on my own... I just wish I werent on it like a drug...

Maybe if life wasnt dealt the way it was for me, then things would be different...maybe I would be different. In a different place. A positive space. When everything is gone...will I only lave drops of blood behind?




"Levitate"

[J-Dog:]
Can't stop I need some help.
Fuck you, I'm by myself
Is it a truth or lie?
It's what you can't deny.
'Cause it's the way you think
Mix with the pills and drink
Brought back to the way you are
Float up 'til you're close to God
You know that hiding ain't gonna keep you safe
Because the tears on your face
They leak and leave a trace
So just when you think that true love's begun
It goes off at any second just like a loaded gun

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[J-3-T:]
Can't stop the feeling,
High as a ceiling
I got the money who's fuckin'dealin'
You feel the heat like a barrel of a gun
I forgot the last time I saw the sun
I've got this disease
It's digging deeper in me
It's like my mind is leaving,
But my heart keeps beating
So I'll paint the walls, red drip from the nose
But where it goes, nobody really knows
Hit the bottle and she's gonna to follow
I fall asleep there ain't no tomorrow
Gone too far, no one can save me
Who needs you when I've got my baby
My baby is beautiful she loves me true
But if she dies I hope I die too!

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

[Charlie Scene:]
I put down another sack of them
Then it's straight back to the flask again
I can't help stop what's happening
On the wrong track, yeah, I'm back again
Up shit creek and I'm paddling
Blacked out room and I'm travelin'
Good ideas I'm lacking them
I'm too fucked up now I'm babbling
Wondering how to fix these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages
Wondering how to fix all of these damages
All these goddamn damages
Cover myself with bandages
From all these goddamn damages

[Danny:]
You know, I can take you straight to heaven if you let me...
You know I, I can make your body levitate if you let me...
You know that I can make your body levitate... le-levitate...
I can make your body levitate... le-levitate! (you know...)

This Past Weekend

i did it again...i thought that with time i wouldnt have to or feel the need to do it. but i did... im feeling incredibly useless and powerless now...and you know whats the worst part? i liked it...i missed it... i wanted it more than anything. i mean..i tried so hard to avoid it... tried to distract my mind, tried focusing on others, i ran out of the house a couple times, i even took late night showers and baths and yet theres no way i can escape its calling...

it feels so good.. seeing it touch my skin...it smells amazing... its intoxicating... almost as intoxicating as my ex... heh.. its funny...he was my drug...i wanted him all the time... even when i hated some of the stuff he did or got upset with him or by him...i still wanted him...more than anything... now its lke this cold slim nd sharp thing has taken his place...in some twisted way...im happy it is. ive wanted to let him go for the longest time... and even though i still love him and crave him every second of the day...for the moment that my skin splits its like i dont feel that need...that want...that love.

ive experimented too.. no not drugs haha. but ive tried different parts of my body... its almost as delicious as my forearms but its like it brings more ecstacy to the moment. my sides are a bit scratched up....not as bad as my forearms but the second i felt it...the way it slid about my waistline...the icy shiver it brought to my chest....to be honest.. i moaned a little..

as i heard the echo of my moan...my memories started to flow back.. the happier ones to be exact... i was lying on my back... the love of my life was resting beside me and it was the middle of winter.. we had just finished playing and i was looking up at the stars; thanking each one for allowing me to feel that way.

just as quickly as that memory came it left... after a couple seconds i realized my tears were soaking my cheeks.. could i really be crying at a moment like this? have i gone insane? i just cut myself! i just pressed a knife into my skin! and im crying because i miss the one boy that made my world worth while? really?!

i sliced my skin in a couple more times, each time let my tears slow and brought me back to the present. my anger simmered down and i realized the water was mixed with a soft red. i stared at it for a bit... my mothers face appeared in front of me and i quickly held my nose and push my head back into the water. i stayed under for what seemed forever.

i felt calm... my hair felt soft against my cheeks and whiped around as i continuously pressed my head furthur and furthur into the bottom of the tub. i didnt want to breathe...i didnt want to take on the world... i liked being by myself...feeling like no one could touch me... like the water was infinite.. like the elements were watching over me... after awhile i needed oxygen... as annoying as it was i let my body rise up along with my head and it was over... it was all over for those few moments and i felt good...i felt like i could sleep again...i could finally sleep without the thought of him.

Gobstopper thoughts.

It’s summer. The sun is shining brightly. The leaves turn different shades of green according to the clouds that float beneath the sun. The sounds of this quiet place…the rustling of someone on their bed in the other room, the lawnmowers cutting the sweet smell of grass, and the rushing of cars that had begun so early in the morning.

 My room is but a quiet place… my thoughts are like tiny dust particles whispering in my ear; begging me to pay attention to them. My window is like a camera, at any moment the picture could change, sometimes becoming more beautiful than the last. The breeze that comes into the vacancy of this miniature world is from the distant vent that I wish I could close…if only the breeze came from the locked window of longing.

It’s a dangerous place in here…this is where dreams, thoughts, wants, and need encircle each other causing one to become dizzy in their own reality. It becomes even lethal when having to stay in this room for six months. They call me a smart survivor…but inside I am hollow and the monster has made himself comfortable in the depths of my memory.

I may have won one battle but I have yet to conquer the toughest one yet.

Mumford and Sons

When I first heard this song I didn't want to listen. I'm not really a country type listener and I honestly thought it was about some hill billy shit I would honestly ignore. But if you listen to the lyrics and give it a shot, I garantee you would like them and want to listen to more :)

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Linkin Park ~ Runaway

Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

i'm gonna run away and never say goodbye
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and never wonder why
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and open up my mind
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind

Blizzard damn blizzard...

It had been a Thursday that I had come back from school and let my bag fall to the side of my bed. My cat, Flame, was waiting with his head rested on my black, fluffy pillow. I tried my best to remove my clothing quickly and to put on my tank top and shorts. When I was done, I lay next to my cat, kissed him gently, and went to sleep to the sound of Flame’s purring.

It was approximately 6 or 7 in the afternoon when I had waked up from my nap. Flame was hovering over my face meowing at me. I assumed he was thirsty but I couldn’t quite get the energy to move my legs off the bed. I looked to the window and listened to a soft, muffled sound. It had dawned on me that my Foster Mother had notified me earlier in the week that there would be a storm coming. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to my biological family and one special one to the one I loved most.  Flame then reminded me of his needs and with a groan I got up and filled his bowl with fresh water and retired to my room.

My room at the time was dark and cold. The only light that I allowed to come in was of the window and the light that peered in from the living room that insisted on pushing is way through the crack below my door. As I’m looking around I realized I still had some boxes packed from moving to Bridgeport and I became overwhelmed with fatigue that I laid back and stared at the ceiling until sleep had invoked me once more.

True Happiness: Does it even exist?

I happen to find that happiness is an illusion created by society to define right and wrong. We call our proud or successful moments happiness to define how positive it is so that its opposite can be determined as wrong or destructive.  I think that there are many misconceptions as to what true happiness is. Whether it is having control over your life or whether it’s having the latest stuff or having nothing at all but love and affection, as human beings we haven’t put a true definition to it. Why does everyone obsess over something they don’t truly know or can’t achieve? I’m sure there are different levels of happiness for every individual but what is the ultimate happiness? Does that happiness even exist? Do we need more of what we already have or what others have to be truly happy? I, honestly, don’t believe in happiness and no I’m not a pessimist. I just believe in satisfaction to the eye and satisfaction to our human nature of current or future moments, perhaps even past moments. If we did not have pain or suffering we would not have created this illusion of happiness. It is almost a cycle if you think about it. We are happy or satisfied one moment and the next we are crying and upset because something went wrong. When the moment passes where we are upset into something more positive, then we become happy until the next time of deception.

I say that happiness is an illusion created by our society because in a different world happiness could be the source of let’s say evil and what is pain in our world could be the actual happiness in said other world. I think society itself is trying to make sense of the word It created. We use religion or superstition and even economical charts to try to express what happiness could be and as a society we have created a common denominator: Happiness is when we are at our prime. Happiness is when we are at our most calm and collected nature and have a smile on our face that proves we have everything we could ever need or want. Only then are we truly happy. But when are we at our prime? When are we truly calm and satisfied? And if we have everything we want or need, what happens when it is taken away or gone? Would we ever be happy again?  

Perhaps or perhaps not but what does it matter? Happiness is an illusion and if it is a thought that was planted into our head then could it be that it simply is that? A thought injected like a virus. One that we are commonly attracted to but are unsure how to cure. So we live to find our fix of happiness. We fight to find what doesn’t exist because we are told it is the best because we are told it is what we need to achieve in this life.

Understanding what we are missing or what we arent.

That moment when someone texts you and you respond without knowing who they are. >< I wish I could remember everyone, but at the same time I wish I couldn't remember a single thing. Start out fresh you know?  To start off fresh new...how great would that be? I'm jealous of babies... so innocent and so curious about everything. They are able to look at the world unknowingly happy and even though they cant express themselves quite yet. They don't have to. You can tell almost anything from their eyes and its that sweet innocence that I miss the most. Not knowing a thing about hurt or know a thing about danger and deceit.

Flyleaf ~ Again

                                                                         "Again"

I love the way that your heart breaks
With every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all will be new
And living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

Love that you're never satisfied
With face value wisdom and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe!

Thoughts. Fucking Thoughts.

thoughts...what are thoughts but mere suggestions in your mind.

so what if you keep them bottled inside?

they will only turn into a rhyme.

so use it on the next one

see if she will care for

a little mess on the floor

or maybe having her eyes stare at the bed board.

yea.you might not have meant to

but u sure made me feel like a fool

for trusting someone like you

and now my body feels overused.

but thats alright isnt it?

as long as i pleased your body nd shit.

if i stop that from happening to another.

maybe it was worth biting my tongue a little bit longer.

too bad i wasnt a little bit more faded.

cuz now i got illusions when i sleep that dont seem to b endin

now ill give it a rest

you have failed my test

took advantage of the maiden

now she lookin for her heaven

while she wishes u the best

nd hopes this doesnt repeat for the next.

Remember my words

they may just be chords.

but listen to the message

maybe you can salvage

the last of humanity

with the touch of sincerety and prosperity.

Little girl

A little girl cried for her moma. "moma! why do u hurt me so? am i not enough to please you? oh mama i wish you could smile for me... im sorry moma but i think its best for the both of us if i went goodbye.."

she was sick of the fight, of the crying, and the feeling of worthlessness. The little girl packed her backpack and took everything she could hold. Her stuffed puppy accompanied her as she stuffed her pocket with pennies.

"It's ok Hope... we'll find a home somewhere soon..you'll see. its just you and me now..." That little girl held her friend so tightly and silently sent a prayer to the clouds up above and started walking down the hall to her new freedom.

Her moma lies asleep now, cuddled in all the blankets and sleeping peacefully. The little girl kissed her moma's forehead and whispered words of love. She stood up straight and held her head up as she left a wrinkled note on her moma's bedside table.

Leaving quickly that girl opened the front door carefully and slipped out into the dark, cold night. The girl started walking, smiling at the world unknowing. Her companion looked up at her with dead eyes as the little girl sang for her comfort. " We will find a home one day, one day someone will turn to us and say, you have come home now, so dont feel low, or is home something you dont know?"

Im so confused...i dont know what to do or think. Well...more like i dont know whom to trust. In my entire life i have been told that i was nothing. but isnt being nothing something? and if it is does anyone know what? no one in my life has been able to explain it to me...so will i ever truly know the worth of my shell?

Hollywood Undead - Bullet

Im not suicidal... at least not in the moment but this song hit a chord with me and i love the tune, bring me back to the days when the beatles rang in my ears and took me away for the modern world.

"i wish that i could fly, way up in the sky, like a bird so high, i might just try. i might just try" i really wish i could. ive been trying to long to please the people beside me and its growing to be a pain. i want to please myself now. im saying goodbye to the old me and reforming to a little selfishness and choose to let some people take care of me...